Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the family and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
Band 9 IELTS essay sample
People have become more selfish and greedier than ever. It is all about I, me and mine. Some people argue that it is time we went back to those old values which put the family and the community first. I fully agree with that view.
Modern society is all about individualism. People no longer care for others. They only want to protect their interests. They want to do better than others in all spheres of life. Consequently, even family ties have become weak. The society is no longer a cohesive unit and people do not even know who their neighbors are. Unfortunately, this over emphasis on individualism is threatening the very foundation of our community. Humans are social animals. They thrive in the company of other people. When they isolate themselves by prioritizing their own interests, they lose an invaluable support system. Mental health problems now affect a major segment of the population all over the world. The situation is particularly worse in western societies where the concept of family is falling apart. This gives rise to several problems. When people lack empathy and an emotional connection with the society, they often become anti-social and engage in acts that are detrimental to the society. For example, campus shootings are particularly common in the US. The perpetrator is usually a loner coming from a dysfunctional family. They are thoroughly unhappy inside and want the same unhappiness for others.
By contrast, when children are taught to ignore petty selfish needs for the greater welfare of the family or the community, we will be able to raise a legion of empathetic young people who are more than willing to lend a helping hand to those who need it. In such societies support will be readily available and no one will feel lonely or depressed. Consequently, the overall sense of wellbeing will increase and everyone will be able to make greater progress in life.
In short, when people prioritize individual needs and wants, social units like families or communities cannot flourish. At the same time, in highly individualistic societies, there is a lack of emotional support and consequently, mental health problems are particularly rampant. As humans, we are not islands and we cannot live a happy and fulfilling life if we only care for ourselves. Hence, I support the argument that we should go back to old virtues that fostered family and societal ties.
Analysis
This is a good essay. The writer has a clear stand and managed to defend it with valid arguments throughout the essay. The essay is neatly divided into four paragraphs. The introduction briefly discusses the given point and clearly mentions the writer’s opinion. The body paragraphs are well structured and support the opinion expressed in the introduction.
The writer has also used a variety of sentence patterns and advanced vocabulary. Linking expressions are also used effectively.
Score:
Task response: 9/9
Coherence and cohesion: 9/9
Grammatical range and accuracy: 9/9
Lexical resources: 9/9
Key vocabulary used in this essay
Individualism: Individualism is the pursuit of personal rather than common /collective interests. Individualism may promote egoism.
Cohesive: If something is cohesive, its parts fit together and form a united whole
Thrive: To thrive is to develop well
Empathy: Empathy is the ability to see and imagine what others might be experiencing or feeling. An empathetic person can see things from others’ perspectives and understand their emotions.
Detrimental: harmful
Perpetrator: A perpetrator is a person who commits a crime or a harmful act.
Dysfunctional: If something is dysfunctional, it does not work properly. A dysfunctional family is a family where conflicts, abuse and violence are the norm.
Legion: A legion refers to a vast number
Flourish: To flourish is to grow or prosper
Rampant: If something is rampant, it is widespread or uncontrolled
Foster: To foster is to nurture or promote.
